All that angst and anger within me startles me, and so I channel it, or transmute it into empathy?
WoW! Alchemy!
(Here's some more writing.)
The only reason I have yet to kill myself is because of the thought of leaving behind the people I love (and trust) most. Leaving them to deal with the aftermath of suffering and suffocation that comes with it, how selfish (but in some cases selfless if you think about it.) Jokes aside, I won't do it, and I hope you don't either. ("You're so fucked up!")
So what, we were born dead and sick, and when the actual death of life enters in, know it comes to teach us how to actually let go, let go of all of it. Perhaps this is why I don't miss- miss you, or anyone, or allow myself to because I guess it's living proof that we all will actually die soon. But what if I told you we live on forever? How contradictory (this life yet, especially a person's personality.)
I don't mean to trigger anyone- label me what you want. I will not leave or let go knowing that one day we'll rot (all talk.)
I'd like to love everyone. I've learned from it because it was all transmuted hate (not directly- ok, maybe some of it.)
I act like I have the courage to stand up, which I do, but see here's the thing, I'm scared- I'm fearful of what could be and in the end, all you can do is accept it, you know the ugly, maybe at some point, transmute it to beauty.
Is this why I'm obsessed with art? The one thing that truly taught me how to live and breathe.
See, maybe this is why I believe that I don't WANT to need anything, and allowed people to abuse me, and leave me hanging. Rejection is protection sure, but it doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. I forgive everyone- even the dude who stood close to the priest in order to get to me.
Since I was little I had felt used, and ugly, never knowing how or who to be... they call this form of expressing- victimizing. I take full responsibility. I don't want to need help or pills, but I do need you, us, me, we, to stand up on our two feet, (eventually) we could put our heads together in this harsh reality. To coexist and collaborate. To sit for a second and really feel to heal- breathe. (Eventually.)
I'm late, am I late?- apparently it's a very important date, and I must be there at a specific time frame. I feel ill, (just kidding) it fits the right narrative, (a strong perspective- know I need it for my art.) I'll include it into the writing, poetry, and perhaps the next-up music video, or song, maybe film? a documentary!
When it comes to actually showing that love, I at times really do get the ick, and really, honestly, I don't even know how to respond. At times it feels ingenuine, yet Is this my way of detaching? What about you? Do you think? or feel "too much" too?
Well, this way, maybe by explaining, I won't feel like it's too late, to say I love you, to say you mean the most to me, to say I couldn't have done it without you. I'm scared of the unknown and my fate.
We all die and I understand that's the scariest change, but in the end, they say you have no one to see you for you, to hold your hand, or even to hug you, because you push them all away.
I don't need the pity, I don't need the labels, and neither do you. I'll act as if the love/ hate is enough, and hope that one day we sit at the same table, but if not, maybe I'll see you later?
Recognize how you make others feel, and say sorry, only if you mean it, or else it loses value and its deep hue. Before you know it, it's too late, and this may be your fate.
The lessons learned equal up to the karma, and death is why we then turn to suffocate.
(I guess) as of late, I don't think staying afloat while drowning will be necessary- I feel like now I'm swimming, yet the sharks are still out to get me. Is this paranoia? Or are the insecurities and enviousness of others rubbing off on me- how gross, how icky.
Believe that in this life nothing matters really, it's all fake, and love really does confuse me because I guess I feel it more than hate?
They've said I need it, (the people) but in truth, I don't want it (it leaves anyway- "for the experience," that's just something they say.)
Know that this is just some writing, thoughts, perspective, or even some expressed vulnerability. I get it, confusing maybe? contradictory? Do you even understand it?
There's nothing to figure out really, only to distinguish what you like, or don't.
Learn, sure, question, yes- definitely turn that frown upside down.....
I now turn to appreciate, myself above all things. The courage and strength to keep going, and growing, all while being a sober bipolar "Reptilian Ape," has taught me a lot. Cheers to creativity, adaptation, flow, and knowledge. It has awakened me to the ugly and allowed me to see the beauty in everything.
The only medication I need is you loving you, and showing it to me too.
All in all, I hope you learn to work with your brain, and not against it.
Learn to stay, or seem sane, no matter if you're judged or criticized by the insane. You're loyal, and I trust you. I support you and am beyond proud of you.
Yes, this may be a reiteration for me, and by sharing this, I can now show it to you.
I hope you see yourself the way I appreciate and see my me to be.
Thank you, grow, let go, and let it be, some things are meant to be, (like you here, breathing, sitting, and reading.)
I really am here for you and all ego aside, I really do need you.
P.s. Not everyone will see you, hear you, feel you, or want to be near you, they sure will act as they do- I too am a good actor, but truthfully, I suck at lying.
FTP- FOR THE PEOPLE? (lol)
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